Falling in love is always the easy part. Then it gets complicated. Why? Because “the other” has their own ways, their own ideas, their own habits, their own fears.
It doesn’t matter if “the other” is human or animal; no matter how hard we try, we cannot help but bring our own hopes, expectations, ideas, habits and fears to the table. Case in point – an animal one – elsewhere on this blog, I have mentioned that I feed a small feral cat with tuxedo markings whom I’ve named Little Fee. He’s been coming around since he was 9 months old or so, and that was the summer of 2009. He comes like clockwork for breakfast and dinner, and snacks in between from the bowl on my back porch when not chased away by one of the cats next door.
If not waiting for me on the back porch, he comes to his name when called. Yet he is extremely fearful and will not be touched or approached. He has never been missing for more than 2 days, and that was only after severe snowstorms. But now he is missing 2-1/2 days. What has happened to him?
The scenarios for a feral cat are … 1) Hit by a car 2) attacked by another animal 3) injured and laying low somewhere while healing 4) accidentally trapped in a shed, garage, etc. 5) poisoned 6) trapped by a human and removed with any number of intentions – to be neutered and returned, taken to the local shelter and/or to be killed. None but one of them are good. And there is nothing I can really do about any of them.
One of the things about loving another – be it human or animal – is that it is always fraught with risk. Perhaps the greatest risk is giving up control, for it is the one thing we cannot have when another being is involved, or at least not without potential harm to ourselves or them. And one of the things about loving and caring for a feral cat, I see, is that I have no control at all.
And still we, in all our yearning humanity, risk loving again and again, knowing that we cannot control much … only our own thoughts, really. We can offer the best of ourselves to another being, offer our love, and then it’s out of our hands.
As for me, I keep intermittent vigil at my back door … watching and hoping … hoping my voice, my love, can bring this small being back and help heal him, if needed; hoping he’s not gone forever.
UPDATE, MARCH 1 –
The Fee has returned! In one of my porch checks late last night there he was, looking none the worse for wear, a bit hungry, and happy to be fed. Breathing easier at last.
Still A Dreamer 
Ah, Jeanne–
My prayers that Little Fee finds his way home to you.
Felicia
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Felicia,
Thank you so much; just got back, and will post an update … Little Fee has returned! Did he know I was writing about him? Wherever he was, he was glad to see me, too!
Jeanne
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Jeanne-you are a prose poet! Beautiful crafter of words! I follow every emotion scribed here.
I wring my hands and heart every day and hope that the loving Russian Gray from next door eludes automobiles. He is a rescued stray from an urban area, only to be here in the country, exposed to daily rowdy traffic.
I spoke to the new “owners” and they believe a cat should be free to roam. They have had two cats and a dog killed on the near road, and delude themselves into thinking that contact with an automobile is painless and instant! GRRRR! I was in my yard when the dog was hit and by no means was that painless or instant! Any ideas on this matter or shall I chalk it up to letting go. D.
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Why, thank you so much for your compliment. I aspire to be published in children’s books someday, and do write for part of my living. The blog is another – and welcome – opportunity to do so.
As for people letting their cats out … I am in a small town but in the country as well. People drive pretty slowly back here by me, but not in surrounding areas. There are those who feel a cat enjoys being outdoors and let them roam, all the time or just during the day. I, (also involved for years with an animal shelter and animal welfare), don’t think these people have the same value on the lives of their animals as others of us do, and there’s not much you can do about it, sadly. If the animal is not neutered, you might try offering the owners help with that, but the indoor/outdoor thing … I don’t suspect you’ll have much luck with it. I wish it were different, but that’s my experience.
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Thanks for your support Jeanne. I must let go.
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There is one other thing, Diane …. you can check in your town and see if there are leash laws, in the case of dogs, or any regulations regarding cats, such as they must have rabies shots, etc. It then becomes a slippery slope if you want the town to enforce whatever regulations they might have if you also need to keep peace with your neighbors. It’s very frustrating, I know, but I suspect you’re right in letting it go. I have several neighbors who, although their cats are neutered and UTD on shots, etc., just don’t see them as indoor animals. I love the 2 kitties who visit me regularly, (other than Little Fee), and just keep hoping they’re safe.
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